


on my mind

by ghostrider



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, jealous!zayn, long ass drabble, mentions of lirry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostrider/pseuds/ghostrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where zayn hasn't seen liam since what feels like ages and he just misses him so much, also he is kind of jealous of how close liam and harry are being on stage, like that's just not acceptable. no, nope. also, he just wants to feel liam's arms around him, when is liam coming home?</p>
            </blockquote>





	on my mind

**Author's Note:**

> [rafa](http://camilancabello.tumblr.com/) said: you should write something about zayn being really jealous of lirry, and then my brain said: okay why the fuck not.
> 
> so here we are.

he doesn't really regret his decision. he had made it after fully thinking about every single thing, had made mental lists of the pros and cons, had discussed it plenty of times with his family and friends, had pondered over it for days and days.

so no, he doesn't regret quitting one direction; he had done it for his own well being, he had done it to pursue what he wanted to without any limitations or restrictions, without anything holding him back. he had wanted to be free of the contract that had been holding him hostage for such a long period of time; he had wanted to be himself. show his fans how he wasn't who he was painted as, how he was so much different and so much more.

and now, now he could do it. now he could make his own music, showcase his own style. be the front man of his own act, do anything whenever he wanted to, at his own time. work with people he had only ever dreamed of associating with. it had been a hard decision to make; leaving the comfort of being a band with four of his best friends, but it was one of the best, most satisfying decisions he had ever made.

and it wasn’t like he didn’t know there would be repercussions that he’d have to face. he knew he’d have to face drawbacks and he had thought he’d handle all of them. and he had, he had handled all of them. went through the time where he wasn’t allowed to properly give the world a definite reason for his leaving, went through when the world had seemed to turn against him, tried his best not to break and succeeded in that too.

now people have accepted him, they’re with him, waiting for his new music. he has made sure he is still wanted by making appearances in fashions shows and where not. he’s made a small life for himself, bought a new house, settled in, here in los angeles. there is just one tiny little problem, which he hadn’t initially thought would be a problem, but it is. and he knows he’ll just have to deal with it, because he chose this life himself, nobody forced or influenced him to.

it’s just that this house is too large. and too empty. and he had bought a pet dog to lighten up the place but rhino’s running around and yelping had made little to no difference at all. he has lived in huge places like these before, but they didn’t look so huge and vacant because there was always a presence in them; a presence that warmed zayn’s heart, kept him from feeling so small. liam’s presence.

the thing is, there were only three cons of him leaving one direction in his mind. and two of them were staying away from liam for so long. the third one was leaving his four friends behind, and upsetting them with his choice. his four friends included liam, so basically, two and one quarter of the cons of leaving the band were related to liam.

yet, he had left anyway because he knew no matter how far, liam and him would make it work. he trusted their relationship, their love, enough to know for sure that distance couldn’t affect or lessen it. distance wasn’t powerful enough. in his mind, nothing was. they had gone through things a hundred times worse, and still, they loved each other with every little bit of their being. liam still tugged on his heartstrings, keeping him connected to him, never letting him go. and that’s exactly how zayn wanted it to be.

but now, he’s alone, and liam has been away for more than two weeks this time. before this, they had been sneaking off to each other’s places, in private jets and laughable disguises. they had been in contact all the time; zayn sleeping off to liam’s voice pouring out the speakers of his phone, liam leaving him voice mails when they couldn’t reach each other, sometimes skyping with liam all day long when liam wasn’t physically there. other times, he’d fly off to surrey, sneak into liam’s house and wait for him there. dig out his worn shirts and stuff them in his suitcase because sometimes he needs liam’s scent around him to fall asleep at night. he’d make food until liam came back home, because liam loves his food and never eats anything healthy when he isn’t around. and sometimes he’d come to his own home from a night out in a club, and find the tv on, liam spread out on the black bean bag in front of it, fast asleep, only in his boxers, rhino curled up in his lap, both of them snoring lightly.

it’s been two weeks though, since he last saw liam. he still remembers the day liam left for london. so many kisses liam had placed all over him the night before, hadn’t left the bed the entire day, lying with his arms around zayn, until an hour before he had to leave. they never talk on days liam has to leave, they just stay there, under warm sheets, cocooned around each other, their heart beats whispering to each other, how they never want to get out of bed, want to be separated yet again. the day on which liam left for london was the same, somehow more dismal, because they knew this time liam was going away for a longer time.

zayn just didn’t know the longer time would feel like an eternity.

he can swear that rhino misses liam too, he has been restless. sometimes doesn’t get off liam’s bean bag for hours, just sits their curled up in himself and sulks. until he changes places, and then sulks some more perched on zayn’s lap. two days ago, zayn had bought some people he had met at the club over, just to pass time, lighten up the place for a change, and rhino had just sat in the corner eyeing everyone with contempt, probably trying to spot liam somewhere in between. he had nearly bitten off a girl’s finger when she had tried to touch him.

so it’s really not just him who’s feeling this way, his house just needs liam to be an actual home. without liam, it’s just any other building.

but zayn also knows he has to be patient, if liam agreed to let him to his own thing, he has to agree to liam doing what he wants. and liam wanted to finish the tour and an album before taking a break. after then, zayn will have liam to himself. and he wants to spend as much time as he wants with liam when liam is free, which is why he spends most of his time now recording and working on his own album. he is done now for this month though, has successfully recorded about five songs for his album, will start working on more soon but now he just need a little time off. time to relax and chill. only that he can’t relax because liam isn’t there to make him feel comfortable, because he misses liam more than he probably ever has.

he’s lying beside the large pool he has in his house, rhino is at his feet, basking in the sun which just like liam, visits less frequently nowadays. he isn’t wearing a shirt, he barely ever needs to put one on now since he spends most of his days inside. he had called liam twice, but it had gone straight to voice mail so he wonders what liam’s doing, what’s keeping him busy; the album or a photo shoot, an interview maybe, or maybe he’s just asleep, sprawled on some hotel bed all alone, or is he rehearsing for the tour – okay, that’s unlikely because they never rehearsed for this tour – or maybe he’s just taking a shower, or maybe he’s in a meeting or something? whichever reason it might be, it doesn’t mean zayn misses him and wants him to be here any less.

he does know that liam had a concert last night, he keeps track of all the dates, so he decides to make things worse for himself and grabs the macbook lying on the deck chair beside his. he never does this, because watching the boys perform makes him miss them more but he just needs to see liam’s face right now, hear his voice, hear him sing. so he logs on twitter, typing in liam’s name, with the tour’s hashtag. in no time, a feed is in front of him, littered with text, links and gifs. he scrolls down, clicking on the short videos of liam singing, and he smiles when his voice envelopes him. he loves the way liam sings; changing the songs, singing them his own way, adding variations with his voice, just having fun. god, he misses liam. misses performing with liam. maybe they can put up a little show in the bedroom when liam comes back.

he scrolls further down, watches louis smiling brightly standing next to liam who is grinning just as wide. he recognizes those grins, knows they are smiling like that because of some inside joke and he wonders whether they miss performing with him. there are more picture further down; liam with harry, niall and louis, liam alone and then a gif catches his eye and his fingers work to enlarge it before he can stop himself.

liam’s with harry in it, and the only problem is, his face is way up too close to harry’s face. and they sing to each other before liam moves away and harry turns away with a smirk. there is twist somewhere in his gut, as he click the hashtag above the gif and then it’s a never ending canvas full of liam’s pictures with harry, whispering in each other’s ears. just way too close to each other. another one. and another one. and it’s like a spark igniting inside him, which burns him a little. because he isn’t used to see liam be like this with anyone on stage, except with him.

and liam seems to be enjoying this with harry a lot. zayn doesn’t like it. he knows he has nothing to worry about because liam loves him, and harry’s just harry. actually, he actually isn’t even worrying, he just doesn’t like liam being this close to harry, their mouths too close, that if liam just leans in a millimeter more, they’d touch.

instantly, he shuts the screen down, the image in his head is disgusting, as he places the macbook safely back on the deck chair, and the next thing he knows he’s lighting a cigarette in hopes of putting out the fire that dances inside him.

—-

“hey babe.”

he can hear the remnants of sleep in liam’s voice, as he clutches the phone tightly in his hand.

“hi,” he replies shortly, “how’re you?”

“i am good,” liam says, “just woke up, my phone wasn’t charged so i missed your calls. guess what though?”

“what?” he asks, he’s clenching his fist so hard, he doesn’t want to wipe that smile off liam’s voice.

“i dreamt about you,” liam says.

he smiles despite himself, looking up at the ceiling, lying on his bed.

“really?”

“yeah.”

“what was i doing?”

“you were sleeping, and i was lying beside you looking at you,” liam says, “and then you opened your eyes, and you smiled so wide at me like you do. and you told me, that you miss me all the time. and then i reached out to touch you, and then suddenly you weren’t there.”

liam pauses.

“and then i woke up and i called you.”

“i do miss you all the time,” he says, he probably would have cried right now if the fire in his chest wasn’t swallowing up all his feelings, making them into a ball of something entirely else.

“i do too,” liam says, “i love you all the time.”

“even when you’re on stage?” he asks, trying to hide the spitefulness in his voice.

“then i miss you the most,” liam says, not noticing the change in zayn's voice, “no wait, second most. i miss you the most when there’s no one sleeping next to me at night.”

“maybe you should ask harry to join you,” he says, biting his tongue because that wasn’t supposed to come out like that, it wasn’t supposed to come out at all.

liam is quiet for a moment, probably wondering if he has heard zayn correctly, “what?”

“nothing.”

“why did you say that?”

“i didn’t say anything.”

he hears liam sigh, “zayn, why did you say that?”

he wonders if he should try to change the subject, but then realizes that if he doesn’t let everything he’s feeling out right now, the demon in his chest won’t let him rest.

“you’ve been cozying into harry a lot on stage these days, both of you can’t seem to keep your hands off each other, so i thought maybe you could ask him to snuggle into bed with you too,” he says it with so much disdain, he wonders if it’s actually him talking.

liam giggles on the other end, he _fucking_ giggles, “are you jealous?”

“no i am not,” he says.

“you’re jealous of harry,” liam gives another chuckle, “i can’t believe.”

“i am not jealous of your precious harry.”

“yeah, of course you’re not,” liam says, zayn can practically _hear_ him grinning.

“obviously you’d make fun of me,” he says, furiously, why isn’t liam taking him seriously, “since now you’ve found yourself a new zayn.”

liam doesn’t say anything, it’s dead silence on the other end. he drums his fingers on his thigh, waiting for liam to speak.

“are you serious?” liam asks, in a blank voice, “what could possibly make you think that?”

“i don’t know, maybe it was that picture of you running right into harry, singing into his mouth, or maybe it was the one where harry was grabbing your ass oh no wait, maybe the one where you were whispering to harry, your mouth so close to his skin or maybe i’ve forgotten which one because they were too many.”

“what you saw all those pictures and you thought i had replaced you with harry or something?”

“it did look like it.”

“zayn- harry is harry, harry isn’t you.”

“obviously, he is not me,” he says, “and that is why you shouldn’t be doing those things with him, because he’s not me.”

“you posted a picture snuggled up with a girl i don’t even know,” liam says, “and you’re the one complaining about me being- what did you say? cozying into harry, someone you already know very well, someone who is our best friend. do you realize how fucking hypocritical you sound right now?”

zayn bites his lip, “that girl was just a fan i invited to a small party who wanted a couple-y picture with me, my mouth was nowhere near her mouth, and my hand was nowhere near her ass.”

“your face was pretty close to hers,” liam says.

“don’t turn this around on me, you’re being with harry like you were with me on stage, and that’s just wrong!”

“zayn-”

“and yes i am jealous of harry, obviously i am! i would be jealous of anyone who touches you, and is with you when i can’t be. and i don’t care if it’s just harry or whatever, i don’t like you being so close to him, i don’t like it, it makes me- it makes me like, _burn_ inside. like liam, your mouth was so close to him and you were singing to him? i- i couldn’t see it.”

he is skipping breaths, that’s how fast he was talking, as he waits for liam to say something.

“zayn, we were just fooling around, like we always do. it’s chill, okay?”

“it’s not.”

“listen, i don’t know why you’re suddenly saying all this when you’ve never had a problem before, so like, i think you need to clear your head,” liam says, and does he sound a bit distant or is just paranoid, “i’ll call you later yeah, i have to wash up and meet the boys at the studio.”

“is harry going to be there?” he asks, slapping himself mentally because what is wrong with him, really.

“obviously harry is going to be there,” liam says, “what do you even- i’ll just talk to you later, yeah, i have got an entire day to spend in the studio. i’ll call you later.”

zayn is about to say goodbye, but he hears it when liam sighs and hangs up. and zayn just clutches his phone to his ear, wondering what just happened and why the flames in his chest haven’t died, like they were supposed to.

—-

it’s the tickling on his stomach that wakes him up. he doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t want any light to get under his eyelids and wake him fully. he knows it’s rhino, asking for food, but he couldn’t care less really, he just wants to go back to sleep because if he wakes up, he’ll start thinking again. and he’ll start missing liam. so he shoos rhino away, waving his hand over his stomach.

“go away, rhino,” he mutters, covering his eyes with his arm, trying to fall back to sleep.

then rhino kisses just below his belly button, full lips and- wait a minute. what.

he moves his hand away, opens his eyes, and forgets to breathe for a second because a bright, happy face is smiling up at him, a shirtless man sitting by his legs, leaning over his stomach.

“liam,” he whispers.

“hey babe,” liam says, as he comes up to place a kiss on zayn’s parted mouth, before he’s getting in bed beside him, propping his head up on his elbow as he looks down at zayn.

“what’re you doing here?” he asks, perplexed, because is this a dream or something or.

“why, am i not allowed to come see my cute, jealous baby?” liam raises an eyebrow.

“you- you weren’t coming back until another week,” he says, his heart beat fastening.

“yeah, but someone was missing me way too much, so i flew in early,” liam smiles at him.

zayn looks at him for a moment, scanning his face. his eyes glowing in the lamplight coming from the side of the bed, his hair messy on his forehead, liam is just so handsome, all the time.

“we don’t have another show for two more days,” liam says, bringing his hand up and caressing zayn’s cheek, “i am going to be here with you until then. will fly back when paddy calls me.”

zayn doesn’t know what to do; half of him wants to climb over liam and kiss every inch of him, the other wants to interrogate him about he had hung up on him last night, without even saying goodbye. zayn decides on the latter because he is a bit angry at liam for acting that way, leave him like that, with his messy thoughts all night. so he turns away.

“go away,” he says, “i am not talking to you.”

there is silence, and then liam shifts behind him. a small kiss is placed at the bottom of the back of his neck.

“and why not?” liam whispers behind his ear, “because you’re still jealous?”

zayn doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move.

“or because you think i’ve got a new zayn?” liam snuggles his nose into the hollow of his neck, his grinning lips pressed to zayn’s skin, places a hand on the right side of his waist from behind.

“i was being serious, it’s not funny,” he says irritated, doesn’t push liam away though. he has been craving for his touch since a long time now, he couldn’t push him away even if he actually wanted to, but he does say, “go back to your harry and your album and your boys.”

liam pulls his face out, the hand moves to zayn’s right shoulder and liam pushes it back, so that zayn’s lying on his back again, facing liam, whose face hovers just above his, “okay, then i am being serious too. i hung up on you, because i wanted to get here as soon as i could.  i wasn’t going to go record the album, the album’s done, i was going to arrange a flight to get here. because i knew you were missing me so much, you had started thinking all sorts of insensible things.”

zayn doesn’t say anything, it’s just that liam makes his insides a mushy mess when he says things like these, with so much honesty in his eyes and zayn both hates and loves it at the same time, so he can’t really focus on coming up with words in situations like these.

“also,” liam continues, “i’ve got only one zayn, the old zayn, the one i am in love with, the one who’s my only baby, and would you like to guess who that zayn is?”

zayn just bites his bottom lip trying to suppress the smile that is threatening to form.

“okay, if it’s that difficult, i’ll give you options,” liam says, placing a palm against his left cheek, “a, you. b, you. c, you. d, you.”

he smiles, and then tries to look away because he’s grinning so wide his face hurts and liam is looking at him with a look in his eyes that is making his insides melt – it’s too much. liam doesn’t let him look away though, he keeps holding his face in place with one hand, rubbing the top of his cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“so, are you talking to me now?” liam asks, “because trust me zayn, on stage, off stage, with harry of without harry, you’re the one who was always on my mind. always, just you.”

“who wouldn’t talk to you after that?” he says, as he clasps a hand around liam’s wrist, entwining their fingers a moment later, and places a kiss on liam’s knuckles, “i think i just missed being on stage with you a bit too much, i got a bit furious too see you enjoying yourself without me. i was just missing you too much, that i wanted to be there with you instead of harry. i am sorry.”

“don’t be sorry for wanting to be with me,” liam pouts, he looks _so_ cute, zayn might just faint, “don’t ever be sorry for that. i love how much you were missing me, because trust me i was missing you a thousand times more.”

“i doubt that,” he says, and inches in closer when liam throws an arm around his waist pulling him in.

“oh no no, mr. malik, don’t doubt that,” liam says, “everything reminds me of you, from the tour bus where you used to wait for me after a show, literally jumping on me when i entered to the fucking stage where i used to always keep my eyes on you, because you looked so good, singing, with that beautiful voice of yours, the veins on your neck so prominent, your forehead glistening with sweat- god, zayn do i miss you!”

“and i miss you,” he looks up at liam, as liam completely holds him next to him, their faces lying millimeters away from each other, “when i am awake, sleeping, eating, walking, talking, singing, sitting, standing, painting, breathing.”

liam kisses his left eyelid, and then his right, “well, now i am here. you don’t have to miss me now.”

“good,” he says, pressing his lips to liam, feels the fire burning in his chest finally die out, as liam holds him like he’s never going to let him go. like liam’s arms are going to leave indents around his body, which they should, so that he keeps feeling them going around him even when liam’s not here.

“you’re the only one i love zayn,” liam whispers against his lips, and zayn finds himself smiling against his, “the only one i think about, the only one on my mind. you’re my one and only, baby.”

“i know that,” he says, rubbing his fingers up and down liam’s abdomen, the other hand sneaking under liam’s neck, to melt into the small curly hair on his head,“but that doesn’t mean i’ll stop being jealous and won’t sit here and sulk again when i see you getting too close to harry. or louis. or niall.”

“i’m not asking you to stop. it’s what makes you zayn,” liam chuckles in his mouth, licking his bottom lip meaningfully, “my babe. my cute, jealous baby zayn. my zayn.”

“fuck you liam, i love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [ziamasf](http://ziamasf.tumblr.com/)


End file.
